ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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