took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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