i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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