Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
