The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
