Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
