I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
