dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
