I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
