I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
