she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
