i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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