Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
