Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
