No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
