I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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