I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
