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The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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