She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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