Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
