When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize