I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
