i'm lost and i look like a hooker
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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