I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
