im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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