dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
