The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
