I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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