You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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