On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
