Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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