Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
