Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
