We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
