I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
