Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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