The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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