I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Enjoy the penises
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
