He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
