well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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