Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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