Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
