My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
