yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
They took my balls.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
