I puked a lego.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
