EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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