My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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