Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
