Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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