You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
