the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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