I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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