I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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