Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
